Did I Miss A Meeting?
- Bethany McLemore
- Jul 6, 2023
- 8 min read
Updated: Oct 9, 2023
Article Contents
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Transitions
How Do We Cope And Navigate Transition?
Homeostasis
Resilience
Coaching
References
Life is full of them. From birth to death, life is riddled with transitions that we have to get through. I say that quite deliberately...get through, because that is usually how it feels. We take one dragged step and one deep breath at a time until it is all over. Something has changed. Something is replaced, often with something that we perceive as less desirable. Most people don't relish Plan B.
Plan B requires energy to deal with it. It takes energy to make plan B! Change usually requires some sort of expenditure, and most often it is an expenditure we would prefer not to make. Transition.
How much will it cost me in emotional, spiritual, financial, and physical energy? How did I get to this place? Nothing is as it used to be. There are so many things to do; how do I manage all of the different things I have to do? I am so overwhelmed! Which way should I go? I feel like I missed a meeting!
These are the kinds of things we tend to consider when faced with a life transition. Questions without answers. Too many options. Feeling out of place.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Transitions
All of us go through various changes in life. We mark important life events such as graduation, weddings, adopting a child, getting pregnant and then having a child. We celebrate when we get a new job or grimace for long periods of time when we have a notable birthday. Other less celebratory transitions, at least for many, include divorce, job loss, a serious accident, entering menopause, aging, serious illness, and the children leaving the family home. Financial loss or gain, bereavement, and moving are other occasions in which we have to move from one status to another and often without fanfare.
What makes life transition and milestones more or less smooth? What things play a role in whether or not we go through changes easily? The ease with which we segue through transitions is partly dependent upon their anticipation and thus, an ability to plan ahead. Smooth transition depends on the time of life in which we are going through them, and the resources we have available to handle the issues that arise. How we interpret the change and how much adapting to the new circumstances will be required also play a role.
There have been countless studies done on human interpretation and assigned meaning. Research has shown that our perceptions of things are largely learned, as are the ways we handle uncomfortable or stressful situations. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy the theory is that we interpret an event or situation and label it, then have an emotional and physiological reaction to it because we have labeled it. Then in turn, we take a course of action based on these preceding factors. When we make a positive and accurate assumption about a situation, we are likely to have emotions and physiological reactions that are helpful. Our decisions and actions tend to be constructive.
The potential snag in this comes when we have had painful or traumatic past experiences or have learned vicariously from the traumas of others so that we filter our experiences through those traumas. Similarly, the ways in which we conceptualize people and events are learned either through the observation of what others think and understand about things, as well as and how they speak about transitions. We learn a lot about how people think and how they assimilate and conceptualize experiences to form a view of their world just by watching and being around them. So, if we have personally experienced great pain or disturbance, or have witnessed the stricken emotions, reactions, and difficulties of someone we trust, we are more likely to assign a similar meaning to the same kind of situation and also incorporate those reactions into our behavioral repertoire. We learn what meaning to attach to what we see and experience.
The degree to which we need to make modifications in order to exist within our current conditions also can help determine how stressful and taxing a life transition will be. We humans tend to be protective of our assets - time, money, pleasures, and energy. When those things seem threatened, we can become quite ferocious in trying to protect them. We can take the attitude of 'My way or the highway!'
We can attempt to keep things the same, doing things as we are used to doing, while simultaneously trying to produce a strategy to get out of the perceived predicament. We look for a way to feel better while determining not
to give anything up if possible. The pull of wanting to force things to remain the same against the push to make things better is another human tactic to protect our status quo. This is the push and pull of the pushmi–pullyu of Dr. Dolittle fame (Wikipedia 2023). Our need to move forward to relieve our stress rubs against our desire to not have to make change. We like things the way they are.
The problem in times of transition is that these conflict can cause us to do nothing or to emotionally shut down. Just like the pushmi–pullyu cannot go in two directions at the same time, we cannot allow ourselves to pulled and pushed in opposite directions and expect to life transitions to be successfully.
Similarly, we cannot engage in maladaptive ways of coping with transition and have resolutions of those things causing distress. If we perceive that adaptation is going to cost us too much we sometimes engage in behavior that is perhaps more extreme in comparison to our typical behavior. The more change required, the more discomfort we experience, the more likely we are to find a quick way to reduce the discomfort. Most often, quick fixes utilize things to cope that are not truly helpful. Such pursuits are extreme in some way, and consciously or unconsciously are used to avoid the aspects of change that we find disturbing.
Things such as overeating or undereating, sleeping too much or not enough, isolating, being an extreme social butterfly, impulsive spending, and substance abuse only add to the discomfort we can experience during life changes because they provide pseudo relief. They are temporary maskers of emotions and distorted thinking while preventing us from proactively moving toward crisis resolution. Also, they thwart constructive shifting to the new normal. Unhealthy coping methods like substance abuse are an attempt to reestablish the feeling of balance we once enjoyed. However, feelings are illusive and transient. Inherently, they alone cannot execute effective and appropriate change.
How Do We Cope And Navigate Transition?
Life transitions tend to make us feel off-kilter. The things we used to rely on to make us feel like the earth was steady underfoot have shifted, and we want to feel anchored again. We desire homeostasis.
Homeostasis is balance in our lives, in our families, and in our lifestyle. Like a mobile or wind chime, all of the parts or strands hang in such a way that the mobile has equally distributed weight. It does not hang off-kilter. When life is balanced, we feel secure and emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually at peace. We are content.
Equilibrium during transition is maintained when we move proactively toward a goal. We understand that a destination from those goals will resolve the current turmoil or angst we are experiencing. For example, arranging certain aspects of a new home as they were in our previous home can be logistically helpful and create a positive sense of familiarity. One stressor down!
When we feel well grounded, the foundation is laid for us to bounce back from stressful transitioning. Homeostasis works hand in hand with resilience. Resilience is the capacity to withstand turmoil, and it requires our flexibility to handle transitioning. Transitions by definition present something new, a new environment, a new relationship, a new routine, or
Unsplash 2023
perhaps a new lifestyle. The more flexible we are while maintaining the authenticity of who we are, the better able we are to make new changes successfully, meaning without excessive or unnecessary angst.
There are four aspects of resilience according to the American Psychological Association. These are connection, wellness, healthy thinking, and meaning. Each of these are within our control and influence, and therefore, can be taught and refined through practice and purposefulness. Having connections with other people offers the potential for needed support and healthy diversion from things that have been stressful. Likewise, being intentional about fostering personal wellness (eating nutritious food, exercising, and sleeping a minimum of eight hours) and establishing or maintaining at least a modicum of routine are good things that contribute to our resilience.
Resilience is bolstered when we purposefully ascribe meaning to those
things we are leaving behind and the new things we are moving toward. Giving significance to the experiences of the past and our current circumstances removes personal stigma and validates what we have lived. This is particularly important when the life transition seems to call into question our self-image, our relationships, and our priorities.
Resilience allows us to rise to the occasion and thereby fortifies our self-image. During challenging times, we will see who fair-weather friends were and who were not. We have to define what the relationship meant and what it actually was, allowing a clarity that can allow us to move forward and not waste our time on dead end relationships. Finally, transition puts us in a position to reevaluate our priorities, particularly when we are forced to change them. We can disregard minor priorities and determine what is important now and for our future. (Sutton, 2023.)
I would like to mention here that in some way marking transitions (that are not typically celebratory) can be a valid and powerful way to normalize the situation, to make it less toxic.
Denoting our experience can be cathartic. It can be something of a springboard toward our new normal. Examples could include buying an expensive pair of earrings to wear while your hair grows back from cancer treatment; taking down the wall between your bedroom and your
adult child's old bedroom to make a large master en suite with walk in closet now that your child has left the nest; with your friends, burning your last box of tampons in effigy while sipping merlot from your bejeweled Lolita wine glass to celebrate your entrance into menopause.
Thus far we have explored what makes life transitions challenging and what adaptive coping strategies will best work. However, knowing what will work best in times of crisis and change and feeling capable of doing them are two different things. We can try to be deliberate in self-care and attending to our wellness but transforming our thinking and making a plan for successful transitioning require assistance.
Coaching can help us find ways to make dealing with change easier and more likely to be successful. It is important to note that we can move forward through life changes even when we feel vulnerable. Coaching provides the accountability and the support to help you move forward. in a healthy manner. We move through times of transition AUTHENTICALLY.
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance....”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 ESV
REFERENCES
American Psychological Association. (2012). Building your resilience. https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience.
Jeremy Sutton, Ph.D. (2023, April 19). What Is Resilience, and Why Is It Important to Bounce Back? https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-resilience/.
Pushmi–pullyu. (1920 novel The Story of Doctor Dolittle by Hugh Lofting). Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Doctor_Dolittle_characters, 2023.